Happy New Year!!

Well, its been quite some time. In the absence there have been good times and bad times, tears, laughter and new directions. I'm now the proud father of three beautiful children. I recognise that previous posts may have been more on the negative side, but I'm making a mental promise to myself to keep any future posts to be positive only. But... future posts means for tomorrow. So.... others look at my life and believe that it is so beautiful and so perfect. Well, far from and the jealously is unjust and belongs better to me than to you. I'm tired, I'm hurting, I'm feeling a lot older than my young years of 37, and honestly, by now, if I had a concept of what my future should bring - I don't, its totally up in the air. Tomorrow is another day... we'll see how that one pans out - secretly I wish that the day would contain less than 24 hours, so I can get it over and done with in a lot less time. Roll on Summer, fresh pastures, new air, new beginnings. The rut is hazardous and demoralizing. I need to get out. Til another day

Running Free

when you were a child
you used to take off and run
going nowhere, just running
you'd do it for fun.
now you're a man
and gone is the child
when you go running
you do it to hide

why don't you run free
like you used to before
set yourself loose
throw open the door

you walk in a hurry
watching the clock
to get to your business
but you want it to stop
can't find the answer?
let your child show you how
if you listen they'll tell you
the time to start running is now

why don't you run free
like you used to before
set yourself loose
throw open the door

and so you sprint wild
as you did in the past
running nowhere just running
you're running so fast
remember the moment
the feeling inside
your spirit runs free
your soul is alive

and now you run free
like you used to before
set yourself loose
then run on some more

Catching Up

Strange how time passes by and old routines become forgotten. New peaks, canyons and chasms create a different landscape, the path left behind is left behind and only memories remain. In the still hours of midnight the chill air keeps me awake as it permeates in from the distant ocean. Thoughts miander, like cracks appearing in an old wall. A steady stream of uncontrolled consciousness that drifts further which every drope. Stay close, let go and follow.

The dog barks at invisible enemies while it sleeps on the couch, paws running to or from, here or there. Without waking its walks are replayed.

A glass sits empty on the table, the smooth surface muddied by smearing fingerprints. Refill awaits. The elixir burns the throat and soothes the mind. Gentle oblivion. A chance to float, everything is softened. Mood docile and accepting. Day distractions aside, the nightime silence is for reflection and analysis. A smile creeps and fades as events are cast aside. With renewed vigor comes the opportunity to rebuild. Stride forwards, upwards. Adventures await to wake the slumbering soul. New challenges lie ahead that will test, taunt and torment. Beyond awaits the prize. Stretch out fingers, feel every muscle and sinew tighten. I studied history and hated it, such an obsession with what has past. So many rules to be cast aside. So much that needs to be thrown into the abyss. Tomorrow warrants a new journey.

Time for bed. Until the next time, bye for now.

In the Silence

I relish the quiet moments. All is calm, I have time to reflect and ponder. The house is still, the night outside cool and welcoming. I sit for a while watching the harbour, studying the flickering lights on the water across in Halifax. It feels too early in the week to feel so drained, but it has been an eventful weekend and I eagerly await sunny weather to recharge the depleting batteries.

My liver needs some time to recover, I have been punishing it mercilessly for months. On Sunday I made a choice, a choice not to drink. So far so good, not sure how its going to be when I'm at Darts on Tuesday. I'm playing at Neighbours pub which is just around the corner from my house and starting at 7:30. The crowd are a good lot and I'm looking forward to the game. Last week I threw well and potentially will throw even better this week.

There are a few things I wish I could rant about. Today is not the day. I grit my teeth, suck in air, swallow and change topic.

So.. the weekend. As weekends go, its been a really good weekend. I went to a barbeque at my neighbours house with a whole bunch of people, we ate like kings and queens (and princes and princesses too) and then after the children began to fall asleep upstairs, we shared a few drinks and continued with a fire blazing. We left at 2am, fuzzy but happy. Sunday was going to be a big day. I had planned a hike to Cape Split, over near Scots Bay up in the valley. The hike proved to be a good one, nice distance (16km) with some great views of the ocean. For the first hike of the season it was about right. Next one needs to be longer, or harder or more rugged or something. A real test next, some dirty, uneven, steep trail.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Jeez, just filling in with a bunch load of random words so I can avoid the stuff that I really want to vent about. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. How very very frustrating.

Like isn't stuff amazing.

So, anyway, change of tact, let the other stuff subside for a short while. Perhaps for a couple of days, perhaps for longer, who knows really.

How about a couple of pictures of Cape Split? Maybe that will arouse the feet. Get the boots on and take a trip.

It was a great day out. The drive was smooth, light traffic with a car that didn't seem to mind going up hills. We arrived just after 1pm and set off on the trail with the tide peaking and the wind blowing agressively. I was beginning to think that I was a little under-dressed for the event, but as we neared the trees, the wind was held back by the countless lichen covered trunks and the air became more still. We headed along the route, passing areas of soggy marshland where the winter waters had not yet been absorbed into the earth. The trees remained bare, spring had only recently touched their tips with warmth and so the first buds of colour were not far away. For the moment, they stood skeletal, asleep. Their solid frames occasionally creaking against each other as we passed them by.

The terrain was varied, as were the people, groups and clusters of hikers, ramblers and bikers all enjoying the 16km spread on a welcoming Spring sunday. We started at a slow pace for the first kilometre or two, then began to increase until we pounded along for a good spell, bouncing over roots buried in the ground, stepping through wet ground without a care and leaping from stone to stone, log to log across small brooks and streams. Some of the inclines were steeper than the initial ones, and it felt good to feel the body take it in stride, breath quickening, but pace unchanging. We stopped only for a minute or two, here and there, to grab a sip of water, or to crunch down a granola bar. It took us just over 2 hours to cover the 8km out to the peak. Snapping off pictures while the wind howled, I absorbed the full magnitude of the elements. Here sea, land and air were in a constant battle with each other, with the earth slowly losing ground as each wave struck the base of its cliffs far below. I pondered a while, wind whipping around my hair. The cut of land where trees had disappeared far below was growing over time, and one day the earth on which I stood would itself become absorbed by the tides.

The wind was bullish and unrelenting, it was not until we started the return that the shelter of the trees was provided us. Our pace steady, no rush, no real hurry to return. Next to no word was said, just walking, walking. I played a game with myself, to see how silently I could walk at speed, and how fast I could walk across roots, rocks and logs without losing my footing. The walk became hypnotic and I fell into tangents of thought. What makes me feel free, do I feel free. Hiking makes me feel free, being outside makes me feel free. Running naked would make me feel free, so hiking and running naked would make me feel free. Jumping off trees naked while hiking would make me feel free. A beer would make me feel free.... hold on, where did that one come from. I laughed to myself, my temporary animalistic moment with nature had been dissolved by a yearning for an ice cold Coors. A grin spread across my features and I continued, now looking for the perfect tree to climb, or a puddle to splash through. (naked didn't feel quite right today, too many people were on the trail).

On the return, I planned to stop at a Church that I had seen by the side of the road on the journey there. I drove passed it by mistake, turned the car in a driveway and headed back to it. The church stood weather beaten and abandoned, the windows gone, the roof collapsed and the walls leaning. It looked like a fantastic place.

I have an interest in old buildings, not necessarily monuments, but buildings that tell a story of people. Houses, farms, factories and churches. They all interest me. In this case it was a tiny little church, perhaps for a congregation of no more than 20. It stood decaying in the spring sunshine, its congregation all gone, its furniture removed and its days of Sunday service long since faded. I love that kind of building, it tells a story. From the day when its builder stood back looking at the work and feeling proud of the effort to the day where perhaps couples had stood at the door after their marriage ceremony, families standing by watching with smiles across their faces. The minister a member of the community, knowing his flock by name, proud of his position, his church. Now it stands forgotten, covered with idle graffiti and meaningless images. Its time was ending, with each passing winter, summer heat and the expansion, contraction of the walls, the roof, the earth. The church was slowly being sucked into the ground. Slowly being stripped of its wooden floor, tiled roof, weatherboard walls. They were eroding like the cliffs. The sense of quiet was overpowering. I could listen and hear.

I snapped a couple of pictures off, then returned to the car and headed back for Dartmouth, headed back to the house. Headed back home. The journey was quiet, the radio chattering but with few words shared. We each reflected on the day, the weekend, the week to come. Monday, a moment of dread. Living for the weekend isn't fun. Oh well. Until the next one.

What I Want

Couldn't resist just another quick blog session, but instead of about what I'm up to, its to get out what I want. What my dreams are and where I want to be in the next few years. A dream within the mind is only a dream, a dream put out and written on paper is the first step to it becoming a reality. (ok, I realise that blog doesn't mean paper, but the writing it on paper is going to be happening a little later on). So.... What I want. I want to live somewhere where I can walk to the beach, at any time of year, and bathe, swim and feel the warmth of sun on skin. I want to have a nice comfortable home, not too big, not too small. Large enough to accomodate guests and a growing family, but not too large that it cannot be managed. I want to get a cleaner for my house at the moment, I'm spending time cleaning when I could be spending time doing things that I enjoy. I want to have children and more specifically than that, I would dearly love to have a son. I want to improve myself, I want to communicate better and become a better listener. I want to start acting like a leader rather than talking like one (funnily enough I've got a feeling that with that one, it will actually bring all of my other wants into line). I want to test myself, challenge my body and my mind, to push limits and step beyond the comfort zone. I want to get things done, I procrastinate a lot and so I will dream about doing something, but rarely take the first step into actually doing it. (I think that changing my procrastination will also have a significant effect on all the other tasks). I'm not saying I want to be impulsive or overly spontaneous, but that I want to be a doer rather than a dreamer. I guess the idea of this little spiel here is so that once these wants are out, I can no longer back away from them, that they become focus points.

For a little background moment, in the past I've wanted to buy and fix up a house, a van, grow and harvest food, open restaurants and bars, live way out in the sticks and be self sufficient and probably a number of others. Realistically I think yes while its important to dream, its also important, especially for me, to realise that I'm not quite cut out for some of these dreams at the moment.

Back to the wants. More than all of the others, I want to live a long and happy life. To do that I have to be healthy, (which I'll say right now doesn't mean I have to be boring). So, to achieve that I need to spend time on me, work out more often, and I need to drink less and stop smoking. I realise its a tall order, but I've been smoking for a long time now, and it really is time to call it a day on that one.

The current mission: today will be the last day that I smoke. Today will be a new beginning of freedom. I choose the path I follow and others can follow me if they want. Sheep - no thanks, tired of that. It is frustrating to have to follow someone or rely on something that is harmful. ok, time for a smoke and to really taste how bad it is.

Jet Setting

The movement of tide and wind is constantly at my back. I am moving with the desires of those I hold dear. From Halifax to Hawaii and then back again, and now from Halifax to Kitchener, Ontario. The city that we drove away from in June last year. The return has been unexpected but it feels good to be here. The sun outside is shining brightly and the temperature is on the rise. Its amazing what a difference a goodly amount of sunshine can do for the spirit.

The desicion to come here was a last minute choice, I had been thinking about it for almost a week, sitting on the fence, wanting to go, but also wanting to stay in the house in Dartmouth and enjoy some time to myself. Ultimately it was the idea of adventure that another flight would promise, the opportunity to spend time with my loved ones in another place far away from home. I am sitting here working away (of course it doesn't quite look like that), in a small coffee shop, fulfilling my responsibilities to the people I work with. Only three hours to go and then I can get out, get about and rediscover a little of Kitchener. Tomorrow the plan is to go for a long hike, take in some scenery and enjoy the freedom of being outside.

On Saturday we got up early, packed in a hurry and then caught the plane to Toronto, we have hired a car for the week as there will be quite a lot of driving and popping to and fro between cities. Saturday was an example of that. We drove from the airport to Guelph for lunch, then to Kitchener for supper, and then from Kitchener to Toronto to have a night out with a really good friend of mine who I've not seen since we left. The rum flowed smoothly, a hefty tasting session of some of the best rums in the world. From his house we ventured into Toronto, to a club where the drinks continued, the dancing began and smiles grew. I am not sure what time we returned to his house to crash on the floor, but I know that it was a good night, ended with a brief and clumsy jam session with me borrowing one of his guitars. I haven't played in a while, and it definitely showed.

Yesterday we were in Niagara, it was a fantastic day that started early with a drive from Toronto to Kitchener, and then from there to Guelph and from there to Niagara. We've been there a few times now, not just for the falls, but for Fallsview, the indoor water park. After only 30 minutes inside the colossal building, I felt like a teenager again, smiling from ear to ear after every tube, slide, and jaunt in the pools. Its a great place for a family and well worth dropping by. Water slides led their way to Tony Roma's for a seriously great meal.

I think that will be it for now. Its not easy to write at the moment and so I can't get into a nice flowing rhythm. I'm sure that there will be more later, when there is more time to sit and let the mind go.

Oahu to Nova Scotia

Sitting on the balcony enjoying the morning sun and the heat of what would become the hottest day of the holiday. Absorbing the magnificence of the mountains that stood hard in the distance, bespeckled with the white walls of houses creeping up the less steep faces. Hawaii was magical, but it was time to leave and return home. Leaving the small room of the apartment was a simple task, but psychologically there was much more to it. Thoughts drifted back to Nova Scotia faster than the plane would take us - going home. Going home - it was a pleasant thought, one that conjured smiles. The beauty of the island of Oahu was etched into memory, the people were warm and welcoming, the landscape abundant in beauty and perhaps most of all, the feeling of warm sun on exposed skin. There was an element of freedom that ruled and roamed free. I guess that is what a holiday is about. An escape from the day-to-day to a far away place. The time to ease down a few gears and absorb the surroundings, immerse in blue water and exfoliate the skin with soft sand from golden beaches. I would happily return there, and look forward to the return.



Now I sit in the kitchen, the night is dark outside, the wind howls and the rain pours relentlessly. Welcome home. There is something about Nova Scotia that is hard to understand. There is such an amazing feeling here when the sun peeks out from behind the thick clouds. The seasons here are incredible, summer a mix of sea blue and grassy green, autumn is a collage of every colour imaginable, reds, browns, yellows - fall colours. The winter though, that is something different, the snow doesn't last forever, but the cold that feels as though it breaks through the thickest coat and the grey of the clouds. They feel as though they last for months. We hibernate, tuck away in blankets with oil furnaces burning away dollars and paper thin walls setting free the heat we so desperately try and keep in. Even so, the stark change from Hawaii to home is amazing. I have such a fondness for this hard, wet and windy place and look forward to the birth of spring, the rush into summer and the warm sunshine and golden days that allow the same sense of freedom.

The van has been great these last few days, as if it too senses the slow change of temperature and the beginnings of spring. I want to be on the road, to drive to nowhere and stay awhile.

Holidays are what you make of them, days spent by the beach, days walking and walking absorbing everything around while blisters burn and pop. Skin darkens, hair lightens, eyes sparkle. I return refreshed and revived, the soul is energised and while bank accounts crumble and the days ahead are hard, it is with a warm embrace that I take them in. The days are hard to make the times of freedom felt earned. I returned to my work with greater motivation than I've had in months. I've set about responsibilities with a spring in my step. This time I'm not going to let it leave. Winter is not going to beat me as I know it is almost over, and once it ends, the freedom to roam and be outside will return.